Single mother question?

This is just a general question about single mothers and would like some feedback. When you marry a single mother, can they ever love their husband as #1 or will their children always come first? It seems a lot of single mothers can’t break that attachment from their kids to love their husbands and not think of them and their kids first and really be committed to the marriage. In a marriage without kids at first it seems that the husband and wife always put each other first and the kids are just a by product of the love and the kids aren’t #1. I’ve noticed with a lot of women that are single mothers, they can’t put their husbands first. I’m not saying all of them but I’ve noticed that a lot of them do. In general why is this and do they know that they are missing out on a more important love than the one they have with their kids? It also seems like they are teaching the kids that loving children is more important than loving another adult. Seems wrong and it seems like it sends the wrong message to the kids that they are more important than anything including love between 2 adults. Also seems like it possibly could contribute to the divorce rate when these kids grow up thinking that the love they have for their spouse shouldn’t always be put first. For the record there is nothing wrong with being a single mother and it’s tough (mine was) but it sometimes seems to foster unbalanced kids whose expectations about marriage and love is a little screwed up. For instance, when I grew up it took me a while to figure out your spouse should come first given my environment growing up with just my mother.

Single mother question?
I would not marry a woman who did not demonstrate that after marriage, a husband comes first, before her children.





That is supported by the Bible and it works both ways, after God, the man should come before anyone else in the wife's life. Likewise, the woman should come before anyone else in the husband's life.





This is not to say children are to be ignored. Instead, children are to be groomed to leave the nest. A big part of that is modeling a healthy marriage for the children so they know what to do when they marry.





If mom is too busy with the kids to work on her marriage, then the kids get a poor model. She may think she is being a good mom. Instead, she has modeled less than ideal behavior.





I know most mothers will not accept this, as the urge to mother is very strong. However, I will not marry a woman who cannot demonstrate that she is willing and able to put her husband before all others, her children included.





Nor would I expect a woman to marry me if I couldn't demonstrate that I could put her before all others as well.
Reply:I think that kids should come first in any situation. Would you of wanted your mom paying more attention to your step-dad's needs before yours. You sound selfish, don't ever marry a single mother. I'm afraid you'd ruin some poor kids life.
Reply:when you marry (typically) it's man and wife and then come the kids. As a mom of 2, i can say that if i had to choose my hubby over kids- it would be the kids and here's why. before the kids- as adults he could take care of himself. the kids didn't ask to be born we choose to have them. they are not capable of taking care of themselves. he can . and as a single mom- the kids depend on the parent they are with primarily b/c thats all thas left. they have no--one else that would feed,cloth,nuture them.it is a tough spot and various opions will come to you. Yes without that first man/hubby thekids wouldn otbe here and some believe that it was "me and him; first and then the kids and true as that is- again the kids did not ask to be born so when they are thr priorities dont change they are just positioned differently. it's not that the single mom loves the new man any less then the first one (or father) it's that she has a responsibilty that she will carry for her for life raising those kids- and if am an comes along in the furure he has to be willing to realize she canl ove him too- but the kids areof her flesh,her bllod, and she is their sole support. as the second man coming along-you need toknow that she loves you, it may not be shown in the same manner as a woman with no children who does not have to worry about a sitter for a long weekend, or who's going to pay for the diapers. It's not easy dating a person with kids by any means i think it's harder then dating another single person b/c you are in effect taking on someone with "accessories" and her priority if she's decent are those kids.
Reply:As a mother period, your kids come first. When you are a single parent it is a slippery slope that you are on when it comes to romance. You can only hope to find someone who is of the same understanding when it comes to your children. I am currently with a man who has a daughter from a previous marriage, we both understand that our children come first and foremost. We also both understand that what we have is special and will take work to make this family work too. He loves his little girl with all his heart and my son is my whole world and we do what we can to make it work. Sometimes plans don't go as they are supposed to but that happens whether you are a single parent or a married couple with kids.


I love his daughter like she were my own and my son will call him daddy (when he learns how to talk) and will always know him as his father. Bringing together ready made families is hard work but when you love each other enough there is no mountain you can't climb together.





I know this may be a little "rose-colored glasses" for some but it is how I was raised and how I will raise our children
Reply:A woman's kids from a previous relationship need to be her #1 responsibility. If a man can't understand and accept that then he should never enter this type of relationship. Your mother did the right thing, it's just too bad you grew up so insecure. Why would you make a woman choose you as being more important than her kids? A woman can be committed to you and her kids, and she shouldn't have to pick. You should also understand that kids need to feel secure about their mothers love as well. What happens if she puts you first and then you leave in 2 years, then she remarries, etc. You can't blame the divorce on the mom who may have put her kids first. I'd blame it on the husband for having unrealistic expectations of the woman's responsibility to her children. If the mother remarries a third time, should this man of the hour come first again? This is ridiculous. Don't get involved with a single mom unless you are willing to understand her responsibilities and respect them. My stepfather loved my mom and never would have made her choose. He realized she had priorities and also knew she had the ability to love her kids and him. You sound needy and immature. Don't date single mothers. Good luck to you!
Reply:It's wrong to show your kids that they are the most important thing in the world??? Get real.





Sounds like you need to find a relationship with a woman that doesn't have any kids and then not go on to have any yourself. As an adult, you should be far more equipped to handle life without requiring someone to hold you as the most important thing in their life all the time. It just doesn't happen that way. The kids should come first because they are a lot more vulnerable and let's face it, relationships may come and go, but your kids are forever. Nothing changes that.
Reply:You should understand that yes the children will come first. They were there before you ever entererd the picture. They should come first they are DEPENDANTS that need to be taken care of. They can not do for themselves. If you were a mature man you understand that. The children will always be hers for life you as the second husband may not be.





A real man would never make a woman chose who is number one and real love never asks.
Reply:I think, most mothers I know, if they had to choose, would choose their children over just about anything else - including husbands and parents. It's just the way it is, kids come first, period. One can love their husband and love their kids, but kids will ALWAYS be #1; there's nothing wrong with that. Husbands come and go, and kids are forever.
Reply:If the single mother puts God first, everthing else will fall into the proper order. We a lot of us don't realize is that it was for God's pleasure that we are here.





The kids come first, but not before the husband. We do have to raise our children and provide for them because they can't do it themselves. Personally, if I were married, my husband would be 2nd to God. The kids come after. However, I will not choose between a man and my children. My children are 2nd to God until a husband comes in.





That is why I am not married cause I don't want to deal with this right now. I am being prepared for marriage.
Reply:What are you really saying? Are you serious?


You don't think that a mother single or not should put her children first? Are you crazy?


First of all the love for your children is and should be different from that of your partner. It's because of this,the way some men see there daughter's in the same liking as their wives why they molest them.


secondly Your children will always be your children and may well be the only ones you'll see in a couple of years if the relationship doesn't workout. Men come and they go but your children are forever even if they die they still will be your children. men on the other hand if they leave and go to someone else get married or just decide to leave is no longer yours.


There is nothing that can separate a mother from her child not death and surly not adoption because even if a mother gives her child up for adoption at the end of the day she is still that child's mother.


(don't get it twisted)





My child will always be number one but nothing is wrong with having two number ones My husband/man will be number one as well even if he's not my child's father because one can't replace the other if you know what i mean. My spouse and my son needs different things from me and i need different things from them.





Hope you understand my point.
Reply:I think the children SHOULD come first! They did not ask to be brought into this world, and if a mother has allegiance to anyone, it has to be the children. If you have a problem with the kids being first in her life, marry a woman without kids.
Reply:When I married my husband, I already had a son. I knew I had to put my husband first. Your children are on loan to you from birth until they move out of your house into their own. Your spouse is your always and forever.





Children feel much safer and happier when their mom and dad are secure in their relationship. I know many of you won't agree, but from personal experience, putting my husband before my childen was the best thing I've ever done for my entire family.
Reply:When a woman becomes a single mother, there is someone, (or multiple someones) that depend on her. The child becomes he reason for doing everything she does. Every decision she makes will affect the child, so she has to live her life accordingly. Single fathers are the same way. That doesn't mean that there isn't room for a spouse, but when you are focused on that welfare and well-being for so long, I imagine it's hard to shift those feelings to another person.
Reply:I am a single mother......And If I was faced with a situation of such, It would not be that I'm putting one before another. It's just that the love u have for your child is unconditional.... You can't compare the two. As far as your spouse The love you share with one another should not be compare to that of your child.. I think a man should respect the way a woman loves and treats her child. That just shows she's capable of provide the same things for you!
Reply:Your children grow up one day. You get married to be together forever. Your spouse should come first - that relationship is truley unique. Im sure it is hard for single mothers view their children in this light because their children are the constant in their lives
Reply:I think you have alot to learn about love and relationships in general. First, there are all kinds of love- love for yourself- which is important in being able to accept others into your life, love for your significant other, and love for children, love for family and friends. Each type of love is different and important on its own merit and stands alone- one is not MORE IMPORTANT than another. A parent-child relationship is unlike a partner-partner relationship and has different dynamics. You should respect it, and not be jealous of it- which is what it sounds like. A woman who is well-balanced can love her children and provide them the needs they require, while loving a partner and also providing that partner their needs. Each person's needs are just as important as the other's in a family and need to be addressed. Because children cannot fend for themselves and cannot provide those needs themselves it often seems that the mother puts them first. A real, loving MAN who has become a step-parent to those children should recognize that and be able to step in and help in providing those needs as well. Perhaps then the mother is not always the one running the children's aid. Your view on parenting is childish and selfish and I would hope that there are no children in your future, because you sound as though you would not provide any emotional support for them as you would require all of the attention for yourself.
Reply:I am a soon to be single mom and I think a woman should put her kids first. It true a marriage without kids is gonna be easier than an already established family, but kids are little people that only have their parent(s) to depend on. Would you rather have a woman that never puts her kids first and the children grow to resent you. A woman that loves her children is a woman capable of loving and that includes romantic love. I think as a child gets older and looks back at it it will show that when they develope relationships that family is always first, regardless of weather you are the natural parent. If a woman doesn't love her kids she doesn't really love anyone. Trust me, after my first husband, if you are capable of loving her and her kids she will love you too. Many single moms are searching for someone like that to make them happy and while it maybe difficult at first you will be a hero in her eyes and the kids, don't disregard how much she loves you because of her love for her children, when we look into our children eyes we don't see our ex husbands baby we see them as soley ours, as an extention of ourselves, as we carried them in our bodies for nine months. Because she puts them first doesn't mean she loves you less. When we find a guy like that it makes the relationship all the sweeter in our hearts.
Reply:Children do come first. In the case of second marriages, the children were there first anyway. The second husband has to realize when he takes on a woman with children that they have a responsibility to those children. If a man cant accept it, then he found the wrong person to be with. It would be unnatural and destructive for a woman to choose her new husband over her children. There are many good men out there who know this and accept it as a fact of life.